I Used to Love Him

I remember the exact day I fell in love with ___. Little did I know how much ___ would be a part of my life. __ was young, nieve, confused and sometimes innocent, and sometimes as mischievious as I was.
And as I grew up; __ grew with me, and along the way it took on my baggage, my dreams
I felt __ and __ felt me, and I know everyone who loves the music, feels the same as I do
For many people __ was that first friend, the first to talk to us; the first to understand. __ has always been that kind of friend to me
And like any relationship, I watched it grow, I watched it change. Ever thought you'd see __ grow up? From this up into that.
The union of __ to the mainstream was a hard thing to imagine. __ was always this personal regional thing that belonged to just me. Now anyone could get a piece of __; I knew I was going to have to share- and that was hard to get use to.
___ is my best friend no body believes in you more then I do.
Just when you think you know everything about __, it finds a way to surprise you and remind you why you fell in love in the frst place.
so whats the difference between this and that? It's simple; its like saying you love somebody, and being in love with somebody.
I'm the main person talking about how __ is loosing its way getting in touch with it's roots, getting back to why we fell in love in the first place.
Or is it about forward movement innovate and move on? One minute its how we need this or to stay the same; then the next it's how things need to change. I do want things to change, just don't like how things have changed- and I didn't know this is how it was gonna turn out.
If we look back it'll make us see things; things that we never knew were there before; if we just STOP and find that thing that we know is missing then we can build on that.
I don't know why your heart doesn't do what your mind tells it. I always thought I would outgrow my relationship with __. I never thought it was a fad like many. But I never thought it could grow and mature; I thought it would be an adolescent memory I'd look back on, like a crush on the captain of the football team.
But I realized we had more than that, much more.
We have a history, a friendship, we listen to each other, we laugh together, we finish each others sentences.
I don't have to pretend with __; and he doesn't have to pretend with me.

My feelings have never been more clear; and I know they will never go away.

I used to love, I still do; and always will.
It took me so long because I was scared and hard headed.

My Online Profile

If you read NOTHING on my profile, SKIP TO THE BOTTOM AND READ #7. Save me and yourself the trouble.

Hi! I'm (insert awesome name here) and to be upfront, I am looking to hang out, make friends, date, go out, ect ect with-out commitment. I am not opposed to it, just not actively looking for it. I feel that a great relationship begins with an amazing friendship. Which is something that takes time to develop.

It says to talk about your interests and what nots.... well here it goes!

I am a social work student slated to graduate in a year. I can't wait! Hopefully when I get done I will be going for my Masters degree in nursing after I work for a little while.

I am highly goal driven and once I set my eye on something, people best get outta the way. I have worked hard for everything I have and nothing has been handed to me. I am one of those "get what I want" type of girls.

Outside of school life I enjoy a few activities like spending time with my amazing friends, reading, or playing with my dog.

People will often say that the skin is the bodies larges erogenous organ. (If you don't know what erogenous means, Google it and please don't email me.) I don't tend to agree. For me, it's the brain. Nothing, absolutely nothing appeals to me more than intelligence. You are not required to be Einstein, but you are required to be able to keep up in a conversation with me. Its amazing how many cannot. Nothing between the ears? So sorry, nothing between my legs.

I am horribly blunt and kinda a **** at times. Trust me, that only comes out when someone is repeatedly stupid. I tend to lack a filter between my brain and mouth, what I think pops out more often than not. I have a horribly gross and perverse sense of humor on top of it all.

Speaking of babies, I have a 5 year old Pit Bull and a beautiful kitty that live with me. Oh and 2 snakes. a 6ft Black Pine, and a 3 ft Columbian Red Tail. My dog is firmly believes she is a 5lb lap dog, has severe mommyitis, is brilliant and I rescued her from the streets. My cat is also a rescue, thinks she can talk (and talks a lot) and is a huge attention whore.

Really you should email me because I am just awesome like that. I am never short of intellectual and entertaining conversation or amusing quirks. I love having fun and meeting new people as well as doing or trying new and different things. Plus I have really, really ridiculous stories, all true too. :)

Me = Awesome, You = Awesomeness

Me + You = awesome awesomeness... or.... SUPER AWESOME!

(I have moments where I can be just a tad (understatement) bit retarded, that was one of them. Enjoy!)

I have to add, after a plethora of emails that I:
(This list is getting longer by the day...)
(If your not careful, you may end up on my list...)

1. Do not speak ebonics or engrish and HATE emails with a lack of grammer use.
2. Don't do stupid. Really now? Don't email me with Hey! Wanna F*** because that's going to get you laughed at. Intelligence is the biggest turn on.
3. If your profile states anywhere in it "I hate filling these things out" Seriously. Its ONLINE DATING! If you hate it so much grow a pair and go meet a person somewhere off the internet. It only makes you sound like whiny lil ****.
4. Am not here for your amusement. I am here for mine. I will not text/cyber/webcam or meet you after 2 emails. I will however harass the sh*tout of you for expecting that.
5. I DON'T DO ONE NIGHT STANDS
6. I don't **** stupid
7. If you have never had, are not willing to get, cannot provide or have no IDEA what I mean when I say sexual health paperwork and the different diseases that encompasses.... DO NOT BOTHER EMAILING ME! My vagina is nice and healthy and I like to keep it that way. Not a fan of having an internal petri dish in my pants.
8. Just because #7 is listed does NOT mean I am going to run off and fcuk you just because you have paperwork. It takes more than that to get in my pants.
9. Learn to court a lady. Charm her.
10. 99.999...% of the time I am not interested in ****ing you.
11. Yes, I have a cell phone, yes I have texting, no your not getting my number, no I am not texting you. So please, don't embarrass yourself and save yourself some rejection. If I want your number, I will ask for it.
12. Having a penis (I don't care if it is the size of New Jersey.) does NOT qualify you as "Having what it takes."

Men are like Kleenex

Men are like kleenex... they are there in the box if you require one, when you're done with it you can throw it away; and if you really really require it to kill a spider or something its there waiting for you in the trash :) ~Soliel

Treat Friendship like Lettuce...

When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. ~Thich Nhat Hahn

It is my opinion that we in fact, need to think more like this. Instead of placing blame for failure in our personal relationships, why not look inside ourselves, take personal responsibility, and see what we could do to make things better?

Friendships and relationships in general, have long since been compared to a garden. It needs to be tended to. It needs to be weeded, fertilized, watered, and cared for. It takes work to have a healthy relationship. It takes patience, and love. It is often laborious, and rarely easy.

Love and friendship can take many forms. Sometimes, it can come down like lightning, striking everything in its path with electricity. It can make your hair stand on end, and make you feel truly alive with the simplest touch from another. Sometimes it's complicated, and can cause much strife before all is made clear. Sometimes, it floats in like a feather on a gentle wind. It comes in virtually unnoticed, and sits a spell. By the time you realize what is going on, the feather has locked a place inside you that you never really thought possible.

Friendships are much the same way. Sometimes, you meet someone, and there is an instant mesh of personalities and energy, but sometimes, these build slowly, and only with time. You start to talk to a person, and then you talk a little more… all of a sudden, you cannot imagine your life without them. The mere thought of not talking to them each day is almost as if a part of you is dying. It scary, and sad, but at the same time, helps you feel like you are not solitary in this world. The greatest gift that a friend can give is companionship.

Friendship has been said to be a necessity for human existence. It offers us comfort in the face of adversity, but also laughter and tears. It offers us touch, and it offers us a key to the human condition that we cannot go without.

In this modern day society, I know that I can go the majority of my day talking to people, but not saying more than five words aloud. I can tweet, facebook, and myspace have full conversations via instant messaging and text email, but not say anything to another person that is actually in my presence. That fact makes me sad. The art form that is communication has been lost in a technological firestorm, with all of us caught up in its wake. The ability to get a hold of someone at any given time, on any given day, has warped our sense of connection. When was the last time you received a hug that was not from your children or spouse?

For some of us, hugs and human touch outside of our nuclear family come freely, and frequently. However, many many more do not have that experience as their norm. We need to get out of our cubicle lives, and start living in the big world. We need to start expanding on our social circles, and we need to let our guard down and be open to new ideas. We need to find people that share our likes and dislikes, and we need to open ourselves up from our small corner of the universe, and take charge of what we have left. We need a call to arms so to speak to help us battle the emotional disconnect that we have been feeling for so long.

I challenge you this. Next time, when you are out running errands, smile. Be mindful of the look and expression that crosses your face, and smile. Smile at the cashier at the grocery store, the server at the restaurant, the mail carrier. Smile at the bank teller, and the little girl that's in line behind you, bumping into you with a cart. Smile at the old man walking his dog, and smile at the window washer. Let the person stuck in the left lane over. It takes 5 seconds to slow down, and let them over, and wave. It could truly make someone's day easier. Then, I implore you to make eye contact. With the people that pass you in a parking lot, or when someone smiles at you. Make eye contact, and smile. It does not cost a thing, and is virtually painless. All it takes is a millisecond to decide if you are going to do it.

When did we all become so selfish? When did it start being me me me, and a sense of entitlement when we really do not deserve it? When did it become more important for we as a society to not give a shit, and just get out and get ours? What kind of example are we setting for our children?

I, for one, am willing to make a commitment that is this. I am willing to take a stand, and say I will try to no longer see the negative first. I will try to walk into a place, my head held high, and smile. I am willing to try to make eye contact, and hug my friends. I am willing to try, to make emotional connections that will last far more than a single serving.

How To Be Alone

HOW TO BE ALONE

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Why?

All I got is questions...
Why is this happening to me? What did I do?
Why am I falling into this mental Funk again?
Why is it that my parents raised me to be caring, and loving, and emotional, with my heart on my sleeve that I have grown into this people person.. Why do I depend on people which are more unstable then I am. Toxic friends they say? What is so bad about some Toxicity?
Shoot a year and a half ago I went looking for some money for some photos, and turned what was a simply photo shoot into a giant fetish burlesque model career, I'm now performing and doing photoshoots and getting paid for it.
Im a good student I've been trucking through the last 5 years of school for what purpose? To get this piece of paper from a school to tell the world I'm smart and worthy of a good job? and the fact that i have to give myself a 20 min pep rally to talk myself into taking the walk up to class, to listening in class, to actually taking the extra time to study, to talk myself into some fake reason of why i need to learn this.. Learn about Poly sci it helps you make informed decisions and how to make your government work for you... why anthropology, learning about some old language that isn't even used anymore.. we speak for communication purposes, why do we need to nit pick it!? math 110? A fucking joke! Concept Reasoning in a model fashion... what the flying fuck!?! i just drilled my ass off through algebra to get to this bullshit? are fucking kidding me? This makes out of the box look like its normal everyday thinking.. not to mention i had to blow off my biology class, cuz i couldn't handle mr richard simmons bug loving nazi.. its called biology for non majors! non majors! that means we have absolutely no interest in it, and only taking this class cuz we have to! so quit putting salt in the wound and just throw us the page and chapter numbers so we can study for the test..
Work? oh man you don't even want to go there... I get more for my traveling check then i do for my actually hourly paycheck.. i travel a half hour drive to work a drive.. wtf? but i get led to believe that i finally got my dream job of bartending, i go into what i believe is my orientation, come to find out.. its a second interview.. who has those for entry level positions.. i'm not working for corporate.. or making a life career change?! and the government wonders why people sit at home and live off of un-employment checks..
Social life? bah! i want to go back to the self reliant person i once was.. me and my dog against the world, if someone came through cool it was good chatting with you, if you leave me i'm still ok because you aren't upturning my world.. people to drink with, go to the club with or whatever silly reason to have fun.. I have few and far between; it seems like i'm the well kept secret.. tried taking that as a compliment for a while, like ooh yay i'm this special that someone would keep me a secret so that we can have this little bit instead of nothing at all.. but whats teh sense in the end? i'm still the secret, i still dont exist, and that person is having the best of both worlds.. their world that is already great, and the benefit of me on top of that.. if they loose me, meh they have the rest of their life, when i loose them, its a major hole that is a nasty reminder every day and what isn't there any more. I"m not talking about merely friendship, or merely relationship, ecause this is happening in both aspects of my life. My best friend, my right hand man, and my probably only true connection with someone on a true level... has me catagorized under the "dirty little secrets" category. They can turn me out of their life whenever they deem fit, and what am i to do about it? I can't say or do anything, except have my consant reminders of damn that was a real awesome time, but fuck its not here anymore.. what else can i grasp too to help me, who can i talk to when I need words of comfort, to comfort me tell me everything will be alright (even though they are seriously that fucked up!) but their words put that blanket of nieveness that I can take shelter in, ignorance is bliss, why can't i have that little comfort? This is all just mentally for me.. I am in such a mental funk its stupid. Why is it that i blurbed my way into having 2 extra days to study for a test.. but didn't do anything with the extra time.. stared at my notes and books for 4 hours yesterday and didn't learn one thing.. even after me grounding myself to my kitchen table til I was done.. what did i do? stayed there for four hours staring out my window.. then decided to just go to bed.. couldn't sleep.. but for somereason some how i cried myself to sleep for the first time in years.. i found comfort in my own tears.

I just Want to be Happy and Content with one single Man

Is that too much to ask for? To want to be loved? To be able to have trust, passion, intimacy with one such man? Does a man even exist? To be able to have his one single undying compassion so that I can feel on top of the world? To be able to click and compliment each other, physically, mentally, sexually, and morally? My personal vendetta continues...