Why?

All I got is questions...
Why is this happening to me? What did I do?
Why am I falling into this mental Funk again?
Why is it that my parents raised me to be caring, and loving, and emotional, with my heart on my sleeve that I have grown into this people person.. Why do I depend on people which are more unstable then I am. Toxic friends they say? What is so bad about some Toxicity?
Shoot a year and a half ago I went looking for some money for some photos, and turned what was a simply photo shoot into a giant fetish burlesque model career, I'm now performing and doing photoshoots and getting paid for it.
Im a good student I've been trucking through the last 5 years of school for what purpose? To get this piece of paper from a school to tell the world I'm smart and worthy of a good job? and the fact that i have to give myself a 20 min pep rally to talk myself into taking the walk up to class, to listening in class, to actually taking the extra time to study, to talk myself into some fake reason of why i need to learn this.. Learn about Poly sci it helps you make informed decisions and how to make your government work for you... why anthropology, learning about some old language that isn't even used anymore.. we speak for communication purposes, why do we need to nit pick it!? math 110? A fucking joke! Concept Reasoning in a model fashion... what the flying fuck!?! i just drilled my ass off through algebra to get to this bullshit? are fucking kidding me? This makes out of the box look like its normal everyday thinking.. not to mention i had to blow off my biology class, cuz i couldn't handle mr richard simmons bug loving nazi.. its called biology for non majors! non majors! that means we have absolutely no interest in it, and only taking this class cuz we have to! so quit putting salt in the wound and just throw us the page and chapter numbers so we can study for the test..
Work? oh man you don't even want to go there... I get more for my traveling check then i do for my actually hourly paycheck.. i travel a half hour drive to work a drive.. wtf? but i get led to believe that i finally got my dream job of bartending, i go into what i believe is my orientation, come to find out.. its a second interview.. who has those for entry level positions.. i'm not working for corporate.. or making a life career change?! and the government wonders why people sit at home and live off of un-employment checks..
Social life? bah! i want to go back to the self reliant person i once was.. me and my dog against the world, if someone came through cool it was good chatting with you, if you leave me i'm still ok because you aren't upturning my world.. people to drink with, go to the club with or whatever silly reason to have fun.. I have few and far between; it seems like i'm the well kept secret.. tried taking that as a compliment for a while, like ooh yay i'm this special that someone would keep me a secret so that we can have this little bit instead of nothing at all.. but whats teh sense in the end? i'm still the secret, i still dont exist, and that person is having the best of both worlds.. their world that is already great, and the benefit of me on top of that.. if they loose me, meh they have the rest of their life, when i loose them, its a major hole that is a nasty reminder every day and what isn't there any more. I"m not talking about merely friendship, or merely relationship, ecause this is happening in both aspects of my life. My best friend, my right hand man, and my probably only true connection with someone on a true level... has me catagorized under the "dirty little secrets" category. They can turn me out of their life whenever they deem fit, and what am i to do about it? I can't say or do anything, except have my consant reminders of damn that was a real awesome time, but fuck its not here anymore.. what else can i grasp too to help me, who can i talk to when I need words of comfort, to comfort me tell me everything will be alright (even though they are seriously that fucked up!) but their words put that blanket of nieveness that I can take shelter in, ignorance is bliss, why can't i have that little comfort? This is all just mentally for me.. I am in such a mental funk its stupid. Why is it that i blurbed my way into having 2 extra days to study for a test.. but didn't do anything with the extra time.. stared at my notes and books for 4 hours yesterday and didn't learn one thing.. even after me grounding myself to my kitchen table til I was done.. what did i do? stayed there for four hours staring out my window.. then decided to just go to bed.. couldn't sleep.. but for somereason some how i cried myself to sleep for the first time in years.. i found comfort in my own tears.