Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Good Song!
"It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart Without saying a word you can light up the dark Try as I may I could never explain What I hear when you don't say a thing The smile on your face lets me know that you need me There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me The touch of your hand says you'll ca...tch me if ever I fall You say it best when you say nothing at all"
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
intimacy vs. sex... Thank you Madea
I enjoy intimacy more then Sex. Guys that I'm talking to think me as weird because oh you're such a tease blah blah blah you keep touchin me like this and its being a tease; or you don't like me cuz you never start things... I don't want sex from you! I just want you! i want to feel close, feel special, I want to feel your intimacy not sex. Realized this after watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman. :)
One of my favorite lines from the movie Diary of a mad black woman by Tyler Perry is the when Helen is writes in her diary "When did I get here? Somewhere out of all the pain came a man who was strong...beautiful...sensitive...and Christian...He chose to give me something better...he gave me intimacy” -emphasis on the intimacy. And this of course is about her love interest Orlando/Shemar Moore (Thank you God for people like him remind us of the beautiful works of your hand. Amen)
"We both wanted to make love, but he gave me something greater: Intimacy"
“What is Intimacy?
Today, the word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations. But it is much more than that. It includes all the different dimensions of our lives -- yes, the physical, but also the social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy really means total life sharing. And haven't we all had the desire at one time or another for closeness, for oneness, for sharing our life with someone totally? Marshall Hodge wrote a book called Your Fear of Love. In it he says, "We long for moments of expressions of love, closeness and tenderness, but frequently, at the critical point, we often draw back. We are afraid of closeness. We are afraid of love." Later in the same book Hodge states, "The closer you come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain." It is the fear of pain that often drives us away from finding true intimacy.”
So we can draw that intimacy is beyond sex, it is total life sharing. How then as young Christians can we have a healthy sex-free intimate relationship? Is that even possible? Especially since today sex seems to be “trendy” in the world we live in.
One of my favorite lines from the movie Diary of a mad black woman by Tyler Perry is the when Helen is writes in her diary "When did I get here? Somewhere out of all the pain came a man who was strong...beautiful...sensitive...and Christian...He chose to give me something better...he gave me intimacy” -emphasis on the intimacy. And this of course is about her love interest Orlando/Shemar Moore (Thank you God for people like him remind us of the beautiful works of your hand. Amen)
"We both wanted to make love, but he gave me something greater: Intimacy"
“What is Intimacy?
Today, the word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations. But it is much more than that. It includes all the different dimensions of our lives -- yes, the physical, but also the social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy really means total life sharing. And haven't we all had the desire at one time or another for closeness, for oneness, for sharing our life with someone totally? Marshall Hodge wrote a book called Your Fear of Love. In it he says, "We long for moments of expressions of love, closeness and tenderness, but frequently, at the critical point, we often draw back. We are afraid of closeness. We are afraid of love." Later in the same book Hodge states, "The closer you come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain." It is the fear of pain that often drives us away from finding true intimacy.”
So we can draw that intimacy is beyond sex, it is total life sharing. How then as young Christians can we have a healthy sex-free intimate relationship? Is that even possible? Especially since today sex seems to be “trendy” in the world we live in.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Today was a good Day- I think the depression is over
All the times I write in this thing its cuz of this or that; well this time things went awesome! Since yesterday! Went to a new church... had a service from 11a-130.. very long, but very rewarding; he was very easy to relate to.. then had some awesome breakfast at bombers. Then took a well needed nap went to work.. work was good; reminds me of why I'm going to school. Then came home and got my desk all cleaned off... didn't realize the top of my desk was brown.. lol. Woke up this morning wasn't too awfully tired.. had a good day at work... then came home.. found out I have a job interview tomorrow... looks positive... wish me luck *crosses fingers* then I spent a good hr getting math homework done.. actually got the hang of things... wow Algebra making sense.. wha?? lol. Got a free fish tank! 55 gal and stand! free! $200 for free! i love karma! Then got my car back.. and found a converter for only $20 here in Ypsi. THen had a good easy shift with Eoneda.. sucks her and I are coming to an end. :( 1 year gone glad I kept a job over a year just to be given a 2 weeks notice! GAH! ok ne whoo today good day.. tomorrow will be better. I'm starting my work out regimen... so i got an interview at 830a. then got math.. i actually got all my hw done.. then gotta go review this psych.. haven't been to that class in like 2 weeks! oops... got a test that opens tom... then I hvae to throw together my swrk paper for class. then after class I gotta take this math test. that my teacher so gracefully extended for me.. then gotta work out.. then my chica is comin to take me out to dinner! whom i haven't seen lynae in forever! so tom will be a good day.. then perhaps scrubbing my new tank clean for my baby. And move her in.. speaking of which i gotta go branch hunting so then she has something to climb onto. comfy bed here a come... and yet somehow during the process of giving my apartment a face lift i arranged it unknowingly that I can lay in my bed and watch my tv in the other room :) ya tv and bed!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Sick & Tired
i'm just sick and tired of putting all my effort into something and have it turn out to be so perfect and then it just gets taken away like a snap of my fingers
.. everything.. work.. school.. this retarted excuse of a relationship that i was working on the fact its been what.. 2.. 3 years... and yet somehow why am I not over adam?! Probably explains why it hurts so much when I kept myself so gaurded for so long and let one single person in a little.. they came moved into my heart and just up and left.. "oh me and my x are about to get back together and it'll help if you don't call or text me.. but its ok if you stop by the shop"... i can't call or text him.. but when I need him to help me like yesterday he's there... when i go out of my way up to the shop where he works we have a great time while he works.. just great times and conversation.. like nothing is wrong.. then reality kicks in.. why the heck am i doing this when he's treating me this way.. why do i sign myself up for this?!
the more people.. not just guys i meet the more i like my dogs I keep rereading my poem of why i'm single.. trying to build my walls back up trying to harden up trying to reassure myself that things will pan out... this is not the end.. you won't end up along like your 84 year old grandma who lives by herself and is going crazy inside her house of which she refuses to get out of.. admist all your friends who are already having kids and getting married... things will pan out but its not looking that way..
They say you need to make yourself whole and be happy with yourself before somebody will want you.. which is true and understandable... But how do I fill this deep black abyss of a hole? God? New friends? Getting more physically fit? Better job?
.. everything.. work.. school.. this retarted excuse of a relationship that i was working on the fact its been what.. 2.. 3 years... and yet somehow why am I not over adam?! Probably explains why it hurts so much when I kept myself so gaurded for so long and let one single person in a little.. they came moved into my heart and just up and left.. "oh me and my x are about to get back together and it'll help if you don't call or text me.. but its ok if you stop by the shop"... i can't call or text him.. but when I need him to help me like yesterday he's there... when i go out of my way up to the shop where he works we have a great time while he works.. just great times and conversation.. like nothing is wrong.. then reality kicks in.. why the heck am i doing this when he's treating me this way.. why do i sign myself up for this?!
the more people.. not just guys i meet the more i like my dogs I keep rereading my poem of why i'm single.. trying to build my walls back up trying to harden up trying to reassure myself that things will pan out... this is not the end.. you won't end up along like your 84 year old grandma who lives by herself and is going crazy inside her house of which she refuses to get out of.. admist all your friends who are already having kids and getting married... things will pan out but its not looking that way..
They say you need to make yourself whole and be happy with yourself before somebody will want you.. which is true and understandable... But how do I fill this deep black abyss of a hole? God? New friends? Getting more physically fit? Better job?
Stuck in a Rut
This morning all started with the railroad tracks eating my car so it broke my car; got in trouble with the 1st job... got in a fight with dad over the car; drove the car home at like 25mph all the way back to clinton which took like an hr and half of my day that i did not have. jenni and i got into a fight over friggin 20 bucks... cuz she got her bf into our business and he just started running his mouth..so he shut off my internet which made me miss my testing window which mad e me fail it after i spent all this time studying for it... then so they wouldn't give me my kiys back so i had to go spend more money i did not have to go buy new locks to my house...
so iw as like 1/;2 hr late to my second job messing with the stupid locks.. so then got home to a dead phone to a voicemail from my second boss i never called her back then finally got the internet on my phone to work and chattd with you and just kept getting frustrated so i just went for a run... ended up running into some douchbags racist bastards just harrasing the crap out of me so its like i friggin give up
went to bed way to late then woke up to my mom pounding on my door cuz i turned my ringer off to wisk me away to the airport taking up time i needed to finish homework to go get a flu shot... and here i am cuz by the time we got back it was to late to go to class
and yet on top of all of these i've been trying to get out of this rut of a depression spree i'm in i hate it i'm too lazy to do half the things i need to do my procrastination is at an all time high my best friend is moving at the end of the month i still haven't found another job.. my two jobs that i do have keep canceling hours on me... money is retartedly tight.. and its just seriously frustrating.
i'm trying to find a church to get into out here but everyone is so caught up in their ignorance its like people forget the fact that we are talking about church not a club house... oh and to top the cake... my relationship tightrope has been so retarted... not even goign to go there... butt hats what screwed up me going to church cuz i was going with him.
i just keep finding myself resorting to going to bed and i hate that... i hate the fact that righ tnwo i'm fighting so hard to not to go to bed.. its not cuz i'm tired.. shoot i went to bed at 11. and didn't wake up til 8.. thats the most sleep i've gotten in forever... its just cuz i dno't want to stay up.. its not cuz i don't have a gazillion things to do here around the house, or the gadzooks amount of homework.. i just don't want to be here.
here...
my house... ypsi..
school.. work..
thats why i was traveling so much i did not want to be here. to be surrounded by my so called "friends" my jobs which i'm hanging onto my threads... my school which makes me feel dumber day by day.. oh it'll pay off keep doing it... ypsi cuz its ghetto trash that got kickd out of detroit... my house reminding me of all the good times i use to have in here... or even outside now cuz its retartedly cold
so iw as like 1/;2 hr late to my second job messing with the stupid locks.. so then got home to a dead phone to a voicemail from my second boss i never called her back then finally got the internet on my phone to work and chattd with you and just kept getting frustrated so i just went for a run... ended up running into some douchbags racist bastards just harrasing the crap out of me so its like i friggin give up
went to bed way to late then woke up to my mom pounding on my door cuz i turned my ringer off to wisk me away to the airport taking up time i needed to finish homework to go get a flu shot... and here i am cuz by the time we got back it was to late to go to class
and yet on top of all of these i've been trying to get out of this rut of a depression spree i'm in i hate it i'm too lazy to do half the things i need to do my procrastination is at an all time high my best friend is moving at the end of the month i still haven't found another job.. my two jobs that i do have keep canceling hours on me... money is retartedly tight.. and its just seriously frustrating.
i'm trying to find a church to get into out here but everyone is so caught up in their ignorance its like people forget the fact that we are talking about church not a club house... oh and to top the cake... my relationship tightrope has been so retarted... not even goign to go there... butt hats what screwed up me going to church cuz i was going with him.
i just keep finding myself resorting to going to bed and i hate that... i hate the fact that righ tnwo i'm fighting so hard to not to go to bed.. its not cuz i'm tired.. shoot i went to bed at 11. and didn't wake up til 8.. thats the most sleep i've gotten in forever... its just cuz i dno't want to stay up.. its not cuz i don't have a gazillion things to do here around the house, or the gadzooks amount of homework.. i just don't want to be here.
here...
my house... ypsi..
school.. work..
thats why i was traveling so much i did not want to be here. to be surrounded by my so called "friends" my jobs which i'm hanging onto my threads... my school which makes me feel dumber day by day.. oh it'll pay off keep doing it... ypsi cuz its ghetto trash that got kickd out of detroit... my house reminding me of all the good times i use to have in here... or even outside now cuz its retartedly cold
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I'm doing Me
Im focused on getting my life where it should be and im not running up behind anybody to make them feel better...Understand where im at or don't try to b...e in my life cuz im not stopping...Im gone keep it moving for me!!!
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