Every single person in this world waits for love in their life. Some people say love didn't come to them but it was right in front of their eyes. Some people wait a lifetime for true love, I should know, I'm still waiting for my true love. It's amazing the things you realize when you lose someone: you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could have a million times, you take for granted the days spent doing nothing when you could have been with them. Anyone can be taken, at any time in our lives, but we always wait until they're gone to say the things we never had the courage to before. You'll never understand why I hurt so much because you're not the one who is crying, you're not the one who is left behind, you're not the one who loved too much, and you're not the one who is holding on to someone who is gone. I cried when I knew I lost you, afraid I had lost it all. Then I realized that losing you, didn't have to mean I lost me. The fear about losing a loved one is the fear of change itself. Being used to one person, day after day, then to one day wake up all alone, a whole new day. Think of it as a chance to start over to learn from the past and make a brand new beginning. They say, 'Time heals all wounds.' If that is true, then I guess mine go deeper than pain. There are no words to choose over losing you. I guess I found out out too late, and now all I feel is heartbreak that only hurts when I breathe. Grief is a profound part of recovery and new life. Tears of regrets, remorse and despair waters the roots of love and life itself. To deny and avoid the hurts and pains of life's losses is to negate life's importance . Remember me when you are gone, far to the beyond, away from me. A journey I cannot go with you on, even though you are going for good. I have tried for tears not to fall from my eyes. Keep alive the beautiful times we share, and take it to heart that my love for you is ever sure. Remember me. Oh, remember me, for memory may fade but they never die.
I believe the saddest thing in life, is caring so much for someone and then one day you look into their eyes and listen to them talk and realize that they are gone. All you see in front of you is a stranger with just a known name. Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go...
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I Am The Perfect Girl
I Am The Perfect Girl.. And only those whom are important will see that.
See I'm the perfect girl is different from anything "normal guys" want from a girl. The things I am aren't crazy, just things that are important to me. I am a girl to that loves like she has never another guy. The kind of love that lasts forever. Where she looks at you and no other man(except family members) matter's to her as much as you do. Where she needs you and only you, no matter what her friends or family say because despite everything, in the end she knows that it will be just you and her...forever. A girl that will sit and watch wrestling, Family Guy, South Park, maybe some football or hockey, Law&Order, Intervention, any stupid reality show and not complain and in the same hand, while he sits and watches all my silly Lifetime programing, Saving Grace, Grey's Anatomy, American Idol, or Dancing with the Stars. A girl who is confident and secure about herself. Who doesn't need to dress slutty or with all of her stuff hanging out or always complaining about her weight(you started dating me at that weight and you think Im hot like that). She knows that you think and know she is the most beautiful girl in the world and that's all that matters, not what other girls think(bullshit) or if guys think they're hot or to know that guys still think their hot but in the same hand can dress well. But she knows no matter what she looks like you will love her. If all her hair falls out or something worse, you will love her and still think she beautiful. Waking up in the morning will drool on her face and her hair going every which way but loose, after snoring all night, after she gets to drunk and has puke on her and your holding her hair and you take her in and clean her up, when she's all done up because your going to some fancy place to eat like Crackel Barrel, Red Robin, Outback, BW3's, or even Olive Garden. Or when she just in a sweatshirt and jeans with her hair in a ponytail or when she comes over late in an old t-shirt and pajama bottoms or even hotter when she wants to wear one of your wife-beaters :), or the best when your waiting at the altar and she walking towards you and she is at her most beautiful or just after giving birth to your first child. A girl who is secure and doesn't care or need approval from anyone but you, the only person that should matter. You are her entire world and in turn she is yours. A girl that can go out and drink and have a good time and realize if you do something stupid when your smashed, it didn't mean anything. A girl that puts her past behind her and gives you a fair chance because you plan on treating her like the queen she is and you want the same back. A girl that realizes that you are going to love her stronger and more deeply than any other guy could or ever would. You would die for her and do anything to make her happy. A girl that would stay with you no matter what, good times and bad, money or no money. If you had to live in a cardboard box, she would be right there with you! Why? Because no matter what happens, you have each other and your undying true love will get you through. A girl that can be a girl but at the same time hang out with your guy friends(and not date them, ever). She can go camping, 4-wheelin, go out on the boat and drink, will play video games(and be super cute while doing it), can play with your brothers and sisters, will wrestle around with you, joke around with your mom, go and play on the playground with you, go shopping and make you wait hours while she tries things on, can do a JagerBomb and drink a Bud Light but also will drink a girly drink like Sex on the Beach. A girl that likes to go out on the town but doesn't have to. You can sit and watch TV or DVD's or just lay together cuddling and listen to music, maybe drive around looking for "backroads" or a playground to fool around on. A girl that wants to learn about things you know and she doesn't know about and then you get them addicted to them like wrestling for instance. A girl that knows your sometimes jealous and to a point like it because instead of thinking your insecure, she know your that way because you love her and don't want to lose her and she knows that no matter what a guy says to her he would have sex with her if he was giving the chance. And in turn she is jealous also. She doesn't want some hussy taken her man even though there's no chance of that. A girl that makes you her number one concern, because above all else she knows that she is the most important thing in your life. A girl that can admit her problems and addictions and you talk about both your problem, get them out of the way and move on. A girl that is a "lady in the street" but a "freak in the bed". A girl that spends as much time with you as she can. You both have jobs and school but she makes the time to be with you, just like you do no matter the distance. If you haven't seen each other in almost 2 weeks, who should you be seeing? We all know that answer! I want a man that knows that answer! You have your "friend time" but you understand that being together is the best thing in the world. A man that you can trust, that has no secrets that he keeps from you. He opens her life to you and your free to ask questions. No hidden things or things that are private. You have no secrets to keep from him and he is free to ask also. A guy that will love you forever and never look back...
I am a Direct Care Worker(I work with handicapped people)...
I don't think I am asking for too much. Maybe I am or maybe I am just a dumbass but I do believe in true love and I think mine's out there, maybe he's probably with some door knob type of girl right now or sleeping alone. I have to have faith in true love. I usually never have a positive outlook but when it comes to this, I have to...
See I'm the perfect girl is different from anything "normal guys" want from a girl. The things I am aren't crazy, just things that are important to me. I am a girl to that loves like she has never another guy. The kind of love that lasts forever. Where she looks at you and no other man(except family members) matter's to her as much as you do. Where she needs you and only you, no matter what her friends or family say because despite everything, in the end she knows that it will be just you and her...forever. A girl that will sit and watch wrestling, Family Guy, South Park, maybe some football or hockey, Law&Order, Intervention, any stupid reality show and not complain and in the same hand, while he sits and watches all my silly Lifetime programing, Saving Grace, Grey's Anatomy, American Idol, or Dancing with the Stars. A girl who is confident and secure about herself. Who doesn't need to dress slutty or with all of her stuff hanging out or always complaining about her weight(you started dating me at that weight and you think Im hot like that). She knows that you think and know she is the most beautiful girl in the world and that's all that matters, not what other girls think(bullshit) or if guys think they're hot or to know that guys still think their hot but in the same hand can dress well. But she knows no matter what she looks like you will love her. If all her hair falls out or something worse, you will love her and still think she beautiful. Waking up in the morning will drool on her face and her hair going every which way but loose, after snoring all night, after she gets to drunk and has puke on her and your holding her hair and you take her in and clean her up, when she's all done up because your going to some fancy place to eat like Crackel Barrel, Red Robin, Outback, BW3's, or even Olive Garden. Or when she just in a sweatshirt and jeans with her hair in a ponytail or when she comes over late in an old t-shirt and pajama bottoms or even hotter when she wants to wear one of your wife-beaters :), or the best when your waiting at the altar and she walking towards you and she is at her most beautiful or just after giving birth to your first child. A girl who is secure and doesn't care or need approval from anyone but you, the only person that should matter. You are her entire world and in turn she is yours. A girl that can go out and drink and have a good time and realize if you do something stupid when your smashed, it didn't mean anything. A girl that puts her past behind her and gives you a fair chance because you plan on treating her like the queen she is and you want the same back. A girl that realizes that you are going to love her stronger and more deeply than any other guy could or ever would. You would die for her and do anything to make her happy. A girl that would stay with you no matter what, good times and bad, money or no money. If you had to live in a cardboard box, she would be right there with you! Why? Because no matter what happens, you have each other and your undying true love will get you through. A girl that can be a girl but at the same time hang out with your guy friends(and not date them, ever). She can go camping, 4-wheelin, go out on the boat and drink, will play video games(and be super cute while doing it), can play with your brothers and sisters, will wrestle around with you, joke around with your mom, go and play on the playground with you, go shopping and make you wait hours while she tries things on, can do a JagerBomb and drink a Bud Light but also will drink a girly drink like Sex on the Beach. A girl that likes to go out on the town but doesn't have to. You can sit and watch TV or DVD's or just lay together cuddling and listen to music, maybe drive around looking for "backroads" or a playground to fool around on. A girl that wants to learn about things you know and she doesn't know about and then you get them addicted to them like wrestling for instance. A girl that knows your sometimes jealous and to a point like it because instead of thinking your insecure, she know your that way because you love her and don't want to lose her and she knows that no matter what a guy says to her he would have sex with her if he was giving the chance. And in turn she is jealous also. She doesn't want some hussy taken her man even though there's no chance of that. A girl that makes you her number one concern, because above all else she knows that she is the most important thing in your life. A girl that can admit her problems and addictions and you talk about both your problem, get them out of the way and move on. A girl that is a "lady in the street" but a "freak in the bed". A girl that spends as much time with you as she can. You both have jobs and school but she makes the time to be with you, just like you do no matter the distance. If you haven't seen each other in almost 2 weeks, who should you be seeing? We all know that answer! I want a man that knows that answer! You have your "friend time" but you understand that being together is the best thing in the world. A man that you can trust, that has no secrets that he keeps from you. He opens her life to you and your free to ask questions. No hidden things or things that are private. You have no secrets to keep from him and he is free to ask also. A guy that will love you forever and never look back...
I am a Direct Care Worker(I work with handicapped people)...
I don't think I am asking for too much. Maybe I am or maybe I am just a dumbass but I do believe in true love and I think mine's out there, maybe he's probably with some door knob type of girl right now or sleeping alone. I have to have faith in true love. I usually never have a positive outlook but when it comes to this, I have to...
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Good Song!
"It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart Without saying a word you can light up the dark Try as I may I could never explain What I hear when you don't say a thing The smile on your face lets me know that you need me There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me The touch of your hand says you'll ca...tch me if ever I fall You say it best when you say nothing at all"
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
intimacy vs. sex... Thank you Madea
I enjoy intimacy more then Sex. Guys that I'm talking to think me as weird because oh you're such a tease blah blah blah you keep touchin me like this and its being a tease; or you don't like me cuz you never start things... I don't want sex from you! I just want you! i want to feel close, feel special, I want to feel your intimacy not sex. Realized this after watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman. :)
One of my favorite lines from the movie Diary of a mad black woman by Tyler Perry is the when Helen is writes in her diary "When did I get here? Somewhere out of all the pain came a man who was strong...beautiful...sensitive...and Christian...He chose to give me something better...he gave me intimacy” -emphasis on the intimacy. And this of course is about her love interest Orlando/Shemar Moore (Thank you God for people like him remind us of the beautiful works of your hand. Amen)
"We both wanted to make love, but he gave me something greater: Intimacy"
“What is Intimacy?
Today, the word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations. But it is much more than that. It includes all the different dimensions of our lives -- yes, the physical, but also the social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy really means total life sharing. And haven't we all had the desire at one time or another for closeness, for oneness, for sharing our life with someone totally? Marshall Hodge wrote a book called Your Fear of Love. In it he says, "We long for moments of expressions of love, closeness and tenderness, but frequently, at the critical point, we often draw back. We are afraid of closeness. We are afraid of love." Later in the same book Hodge states, "The closer you come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain." It is the fear of pain that often drives us away from finding true intimacy.”
So we can draw that intimacy is beyond sex, it is total life sharing. How then as young Christians can we have a healthy sex-free intimate relationship? Is that even possible? Especially since today sex seems to be “trendy” in the world we live in.
One of my favorite lines from the movie Diary of a mad black woman by Tyler Perry is the when Helen is writes in her diary "When did I get here? Somewhere out of all the pain came a man who was strong...beautiful...sensitive...and Christian...He chose to give me something better...he gave me intimacy” -emphasis on the intimacy. And this of course is about her love interest Orlando/Shemar Moore (Thank you God for people like him remind us of the beautiful works of your hand. Amen)
"We both wanted to make love, but he gave me something greater: Intimacy"
“What is Intimacy?
Today, the word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations. But it is much more than that. It includes all the different dimensions of our lives -- yes, the physical, but also the social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy really means total life sharing. And haven't we all had the desire at one time or another for closeness, for oneness, for sharing our life with someone totally? Marshall Hodge wrote a book called Your Fear of Love. In it he says, "We long for moments of expressions of love, closeness and tenderness, but frequently, at the critical point, we often draw back. We are afraid of closeness. We are afraid of love." Later in the same book Hodge states, "The closer you come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain." It is the fear of pain that often drives us away from finding true intimacy.”
So we can draw that intimacy is beyond sex, it is total life sharing. How then as young Christians can we have a healthy sex-free intimate relationship? Is that even possible? Especially since today sex seems to be “trendy” in the world we live in.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Today was a good Day- I think the depression is over
All the times I write in this thing its cuz of this or that; well this time things went awesome! Since yesterday! Went to a new church... had a service from 11a-130.. very long, but very rewarding; he was very easy to relate to.. then had some awesome breakfast at bombers. Then took a well needed nap went to work.. work was good; reminds me of why I'm going to school. Then came home and got my desk all cleaned off... didn't realize the top of my desk was brown.. lol. Woke up this morning wasn't too awfully tired.. had a good day at work... then came home.. found out I have a job interview tomorrow... looks positive... wish me luck *crosses fingers* then I spent a good hr getting math homework done.. actually got the hang of things... wow Algebra making sense.. wha?? lol. Got a free fish tank! 55 gal and stand! free! $200 for free! i love karma! Then got my car back.. and found a converter for only $20 here in Ypsi. THen had a good easy shift with Eoneda.. sucks her and I are coming to an end. :( 1 year gone glad I kept a job over a year just to be given a 2 weeks notice! GAH! ok ne whoo today good day.. tomorrow will be better. I'm starting my work out regimen... so i got an interview at 830a. then got math.. i actually got all my hw done.. then gotta go review this psych.. haven't been to that class in like 2 weeks! oops... got a test that opens tom... then I hvae to throw together my swrk paper for class. then after class I gotta take this math test. that my teacher so gracefully extended for me.. then gotta work out.. then my chica is comin to take me out to dinner! whom i haven't seen lynae in forever! so tom will be a good day.. then perhaps scrubbing my new tank clean for my baby. And move her in.. speaking of which i gotta go branch hunting so then she has something to climb onto. comfy bed here a come... and yet somehow during the process of giving my apartment a face lift i arranged it unknowingly that I can lay in my bed and watch my tv in the other room :) ya tv and bed!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Sick & Tired
i'm just sick and tired of putting all my effort into something and have it turn out to be so perfect and then it just gets taken away like a snap of my fingers
.. everything.. work.. school.. this retarted excuse of a relationship that i was working on the fact its been what.. 2.. 3 years... and yet somehow why am I not over adam?! Probably explains why it hurts so much when I kept myself so gaurded for so long and let one single person in a little.. they came moved into my heart and just up and left.. "oh me and my x are about to get back together and it'll help if you don't call or text me.. but its ok if you stop by the shop"... i can't call or text him.. but when I need him to help me like yesterday he's there... when i go out of my way up to the shop where he works we have a great time while he works.. just great times and conversation.. like nothing is wrong.. then reality kicks in.. why the heck am i doing this when he's treating me this way.. why do i sign myself up for this?!
the more people.. not just guys i meet the more i like my dogs I keep rereading my poem of why i'm single.. trying to build my walls back up trying to harden up trying to reassure myself that things will pan out... this is not the end.. you won't end up along like your 84 year old grandma who lives by herself and is going crazy inside her house of which she refuses to get out of.. admist all your friends who are already having kids and getting married... things will pan out but its not looking that way..
They say you need to make yourself whole and be happy with yourself before somebody will want you.. which is true and understandable... But how do I fill this deep black abyss of a hole? God? New friends? Getting more physically fit? Better job?
.. everything.. work.. school.. this retarted excuse of a relationship that i was working on the fact its been what.. 2.. 3 years... and yet somehow why am I not over adam?! Probably explains why it hurts so much when I kept myself so gaurded for so long and let one single person in a little.. they came moved into my heart and just up and left.. "oh me and my x are about to get back together and it'll help if you don't call or text me.. but its ok if you stop by the shop"... i can't call or text him.. but when I need him to help me like yesterday he's there... when i go out of my way up to the shop where he works we have a great time while he works.. just great times and conversation.. like nothing is wrong.. then reality kicks in.. why the heck am i doing this when he's treating me this way.. why do i sign myself up for this?!
the more people.. not just guys i meet the more i like my dogs I keep rereading my poem of why i'm single.. trying to build my walls back up trying to harden up trying to reassure myself that things will pan out... this is not the end.. you won't end up along like your 84 year old grandma who lives by herself and is going crazy inside her house of which she refuses to get out of.. admist all your friends who are already having kids and getting married... things will pan out but its not looking that way..
They say you need to make yourself whole and be happy with yourself before somebody will want you.. which is true and understandable... But how do I fill this deep black abyss of a hole? God? New friends? Getting more physically fit? Better job?
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