Theory on y I am scared of relationships....

Here's my theory:

I don't like rejection. Actually, that's the epitome of an understatement. This came up in a couple classes I attended at MTKF this past weekend; the idea that to be rejected by your tribe is to die. And I would take it a step further, in that for me, it often feels like if I am rejected I will die. By the bartender, by the waitress, by the child in the store, my mother, your brother, my boss, anyfuckingbody can kill me with rejection. Which is why I either don't let you close enough to risk me getting rejected, or I push you away early enough to protect myself. Or I find something, some small, truly insignificant thing, by which I can claim and convince myself that any relationship beyond friendship and occasionally encounters of more-than-friends would surely fail. Weather this is the way you roll the toothpaste tube or the way you stack dishes in the drying rack, or the way you don't hold me tight enough.

Fucking E-PI-PHO-NY. Bitches.

Because I'm strong. Because I'm independent. Because I'm a hard working girl. Because shit ain't free. Because it's aftercare for a reason; it comes after something. Because I have to do something to deserve it.

I've made jokes about being in this for the aftercare before. But I never thought about how much truth there was to it. Potential truth. Because I was raised to be strong, to be independent, to take care of myself, to do things on my own. Because she was weak and he was non existent. Because when I had questions, they went unanswered. Because when I lowered the wall I got fucking trampled; All without my noticing. All without my consent. Because I wasn't given a choice, and didn't even know one existed for me. Because had I known there was such thing as individual freedom and that I was an individual that should be able to stand on her own. Without use of his arm, or her elbow, or the stuffy from childhood, or the chair from the table, or the blanket behind which to hide.

Care, on the other hand, care and kindness and niceties and love and gentleness just for the sake of loving and experiencing...that, I don't know how to deal with. Because hardwired into the full acceptance and sharing of such requires a level of openness and vulnerability that I simply am not able to handle right now, but am starting to with the help of someone.....I don't like thinking and knowing that you may leave. That whatever I did to make you happy initially may have worn off and that you may one day wake up and realize that I am, in fact, not enough to keep you happy. Because care for the sake of love and companionship and simply for care's sake implies a never-ending quality. That it will forever and forallways be as it is now. Which, more often than not, is farther from the truth than me describing the amazing steak I had for dinner.

those that arent wrapped in someones arms having a magical day :-)

Valentine

The world left us with no second chance We are the ones with no love here today But we get up in a hopefull stance And we pray that love will find a way

We are the broken ones lost in the mix Overlooked and left behind But we wish someone would come fix all the scars that are left in our mind

Watching kissing faces and clasping hands and all these happy couples glee And all these years keep falling with the sands As we wonder "What about me"

We've told ourselves today aint shit To hide from our pain We wait to find our perfect fit But suffer from no gain

But its times like these we realize We dont live this life alone But our friendship overcomes all goodbyes and give our souls a home

So joy we take in knowing that Our friendship makes us whole We are lost but have the greatest love The world could ever know

Friends

Friendship and friends. They are more than companions. They celebrate good times and bad times. More importantly, a good friend helps one grow and find our way in life. I've had some who begged and nudged. Others who've punched me in the nose. Each one of them had my interest in their heart and I appreciate them. A few have waited many many years until I was able to understand them. I apologize and thank you. I hope that we can be friends for many more years to come.

12 days of xmas

On the 12th day of Christmas my fetlife gave to me: 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 horny topics, 9 hot n populars, 8 groups posting, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 event invites, fiiiivvvveeee DRAMA Queeeennnss; 4 friend requests, 3 photo loves, 2 friends a pervin' and a creep who wont stop inboxing meee!!!!! Pahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Parting Ways

I take a step back and let you go, I told you I can't take it now you know. I do miss your smile; but I miss mine more....

Have you ever caught yourself being jealous of your Ex?

Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate

I miss you

when you miss someone it means that you enjoy their company, that you feel better about yourself when you are with them and that they are important to you. So when i say i miss you, that's what i mean. And i really do miss you, and i can't wait to see you again.